Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for showing me how to be compassionate by never gossiping. It's a skill I am FAR from perfecting but one that I see is worthwhile because of your example. Thank you for your example as a mother. Obviously, with 11 children there were difficult days and heartaches and sorrows. I love the way you were still so involved with and proud of our family. Your cheerfulness and endless energy in support of us was incredible. I hope my energy lasts at least half as long as yours. Thank you for raising my mother. She turned out great! The legacy of talents and faith and service you passed on to her and I hope I will qualify for them to be passed on to me. Thank you for the fun family reunions and for letting us grand kids run freely through your well stocked, kid friendly house. I'm trying to let my kids develop good relationships with their cousins because mine have been such a big influence in my life. Thank you for noticing Grandpa and marrying him and loving him for 68 years. Thanks for keeping covenants so that I can be with both of you in the next life. Thank you, Grandma. I'll miss you until we meet again.

Love,
Michelle

Leaps and Bounds

It's strange that I've been praying for over a year for "change" and now everything is happening so fast, I hardly know where I am.

I went to see my grandma today. Most people who read this blog know my grandma. Everyone who does know her is better off for it! She's an amazing person. There are over 200 of her living descendents but that's not the most amazing part. The most amazing part is the impact she has had on all of us. We all love being together. Family reunions are looked forward to as one of the best summer activities. I'm trying to remember a specific time when she has shared her testimony. I'm sure she did it often but what has stuck with me is the way she lives. I remember as a child always wanting to be around her. (The problem with this is that so did all my other 40 cousins.) She has a sharp sense of humor. One time, after shopping together all day we made it home where she pulled off her shoes with a sore sigh. She had been experiencing back and foot pain the whole day. When she looked in her shoe, she discovered a large medallion necklace. She walked around the whole day with it in her shoe. She got a really good laugh out of it. And so did I. Grandma, however, is not doing well. It was painful to watch her suffering but I felt so blessed to be able to stand by her and just be with her.

I started home school today. Man. This is going to be hard. I'm really not sure what I expected but it wasn't anything at all like I thought it would be. Ben's journal entry today was 4 reasons why home school is boring. Ah well. Not all of life is supposed to be exciting, right? Right. Or else the exciting would be the mundane. I'm excited about having a schedule during the summer, routine is the best thing in the world for kids with ADHD, but it's a lot of work. The saying my friends keep telling me is "home school is not for wimps." I'm looking at this particular change as a lifestyle change. Signing up for home school signs ME up for:

1. no coveted time alone during the afternoon while the kids are at school
2. extra expense
3. the HUGE weight of making sure that my kids learn ALL that they are supposed to-in EVERY aspect of their lives.
   
4. extra alone time with each child
5. the opportunity to serve them and exercise patience and love
6. the chance to focus on gospel principals that I feel they are lacking.

Can I do this? I have no IDEA! Is it the right thing for them? ABSOLUTELY!, It's the only reason I'm even attempting it, KNOWING that I'm doing the right thing. Will I do it every year? Who knows? I'm taking each year and each child at a time.

My children have all changed a lot during the last 2 months. I almost feel like I don't even know them. I feel so overwhelmed by each of their individual needs. I feel like I'm failing every day as a mother. Good thing I can start each new day fresh.

The Move. It's a big scary word right now. We need extra income on top of the salary. Where will this come from? Lessons? Tunings? Beats me. Finding a home to rent is proving difficult. I've only seen 2. One was too expensive and the other has been rented. I'm hoping something will work out when we go up later to sign papers. I feel ECSTATIC to be on our own again, restarting our family traditions. I feel sad to leave the ward and Orem. I've always been a home body. I've lived away before but part of me is always here. I feel frustrated that I just made some really good friends and now I'm leaving. Blech. To get through this, I picture SPACE for the kids and a door on my own bedroom! Worth it? Yes!

Lest you think I'm not grateful for my parents: Let me reassure you. I wish I could pack up my dad and his chef skills to take with me. It's really nice not to have to cook every night and still get fed like I'm visiting a 4 star restaurant. It's also really nice to be able to skip out after the kids have fallen asleep and steal some time alone with my husband. My mom has been really supportive in watching kids while I "run to the store" or go visiting teaching. Things that are WAY easier to do without 6 kids than with them. My parents are supportive and incredible. And I'm glad we haven't killed each other.

Change is hard for me, but I'm excited. I hope I make it through the next 6 months. In the mean time, I'll try not to have a nervous break down, develop an ulcer, yell at my kids for random things-and some not so random, and hit my head against the wall. In short, I'll try to have faith that my Father knows what I need and where I should go.